I had read or heard the word living in denial somewhere years ago. I had a slight gist of what it meant. But I just googled the term living in denial and I have answers to so many questions right now. But I am afraid, having an answer or solution to something doesn’t mean that we humans are going to essentially use it or apply it to our life.
All my life I felt like a tragedy queen. I was that girl who found out she was being raped by her babysitter’s husband and son. Even after I realized it, I kept mum and it continued for several years until the babysitter decided to shut down and move to Alibaug.
My parents came from humble backgrounds, they had to earn their own food and education. They had 4-5 siblings to share everything with and a less scope of guidance, with parents being illiterate. They educated themselves and got their own jobs without any godfathers. We bought our own house and were still helping others with whatever they needed (family of parents). Long story short, they needed to earn to keep the house running. As a result, I was sent to another babysitter.
This lady was a childless one in her late 50’s or maybe 60’s and her husband was a pervert. Luckily I was big enough to stay away from him whenever possible and I started spending most of my time in a nearby a garden. Especially when the babysitter was not around. I remember running away as fast as I can and he trying to chase me every single day.
It was December, I don’t remember the year but it was the first time I ever remember going on a family vacation with my family. All four of us! Together! My mummy, Pappa, Dada, and I. I was in my 5th grade I think. We went to Tirupati, we had fun and all I prayed there was to get away from all the leech men around me. We came back and the very first morning when I and my mom headed out, our entire locality was talking about it and giving me stares.
Vasai was a small town with people’s mind even smaller. If there is a force above us, he surely did injustice to the scenic beauty what Vasai is by giving it, such people. When we came home, I asked my mummy what the shop aunty said. She never told me, No adult told me unless I met my friends and they shared. They told me that my new babysitter’s pervert husband was talking to the police and they broke his bones for raping a 5-year-old brave girl who told her parents about it.
It was the end of a nightmare for me and I will forever be grateful to the lovely little girl who did it for me. I being a 10-12-year-old girl never dared to open my mouth. And I am still guilty of it. I could have saved so many children from those perverts. But I didn’t and I have carried that guilt with me for almost 20 years now. It all started when I was 3 years old and even today at 23 I don’t think I am safe from the opposite gender.
Fast forward –
I was always scared of sexual relationships. I was sure I didn’t want to end up in a sexual relationship with anyone and make it highlight of my relationship. But my first and only relationship ended on a heartbreaking note, where I was again a victim of many kinds of abuse but the one that forced me to end the relationship was the sexual abuse.
My so-called EX denies it. Any of it and for him it was beautiful and stuff. But I failed to see the beauty of what I had. I failed to see the beauty of a relationship where I had to allow someone to bang me so that the person doesn’t end up in someone else’s bed. Not that it hasn’t happened before. But I was a fool to think that it would last longer and it will be a happily ever after for us. After all the years we spent together, all I could remember was infidelity, emotional abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse and draining me of all the money, self-confidence and self-love.
So I spoke to my EX a few months back and he said why do you see things like this. I wanted to tell him that he was not the one who was heartbroken because the love of his life slept with different people, fell in love with different people, and still came to see him. He was not the one who took those slaps, punches, and kicks in the stomach. He was not the one who was scared to death because the only person he trusted and hoped would protect him was choking him with their own hands for some other girl in his own house.
My dear EX didn’t give me infinite chances before he gave up on me. I was the one who felt that and I accept that I was the one who broke this relationship. Because I would rather be alone than to be with a person who thinks I was his property and not a part of his soul. Because I really gave that man my soul and I don’t regret any of it.
Fast forward to the good news-
I needed time to think about the future of my EX relationship and I tried to shoo him off because I would have forgiven him once again. I was still in love with a man who would never love me back or be faithful. But then in my 6th month of pregnancy, I found out I was actually pregnant. I told him and asked him what he wanted. I was hoping that he would have at least pretended that he cares. But what he did was, threaten me that if I come to his house he will get me raped by his cousins and friends and all sorts of bullshit. I remember I was in my 7th month of pregnancy and he said he will be there for me and will marry me. I was living in denial then… I thought he meant what he said.
You know you are a mother when you put your child’s life before you even if the child is unborn. I did the same, the moment I knew I was responsible for a life. I did everything to keep the baby safe and secure even when it meant Faking to have Phone sex with him. I still remember two nights when he played with me. He told me he will be with me and baby when I did everything he asked me to do. I did every single thing, just to be sure my child has a father in their life. Those two nights, I cried myself to sleep in that washroom where he asked me to do what he wanted over a video call.
Post that I gave him a chance to speak up the truth. To choose what he wanted, and he said he wanted freedom. I gave him what he wanted. He was a free man, without any responsibilities or guilt. I respected his choice for years. Because I had a choice to choose life over heartbreak just once. And I choose my Life, my Child.
Fast Forward to 2018 –
I feel terrible because I am living in denial. But what changed my life and made me realize that I was Living in Denial was Daughters of Destiny. Daughters of Destiny is a Netflix Originals Documentary series and it is totally worth the watch.
It made me realize what I have been through all these years. The struggle to get a degree while raising a baby, becoming a successful blogger, getting my first marketing job and so much more than I should be grateful for. But I was living in denial, I was still looking forward to figuring out some way to get my master’s fees sorted. In the struggle to be a successful blogger, I forgot to cherish and accept that I am a blogger now. Instead of being working hard and maintaining my personal life. I forgot that this job is mine and I worked so hard (18 hours a day) that I forgot what it was to spend time with my family.
I was living in this delusional world, where I was still insecure about my talents and abilities. In a world where I am still not confident, I didn’t value my body and my relations. I was living in past and I realized in a way I am acting like I used to when those men were around me. I was wasting my life by living in denial.
I guess now it’s time to change..