It’s 01:34 AM. Most people have slept by now. While I write this I am worried about my grammar. It’s not one of my strong points. But I can write decently ( that’s what I feel). I was turning sides while I was trying to sleep. I woke up and sat on my workstation where these days I just sit and surf the internet and procrastinate.
Tonight is one of those when I got up from my bed and sat on my chair. Turned my MacBook on and stared at the desktop screen for a few minutes. Picked my iPad from the table and kept it vertically beside my diaries on the table. Post that I stared at the succulents on my desk for a few minutes and opened my blog in the browser. I quickly updated the plugins on the blog and while I was about to get up to pee because I went blank, I instead stayed back and started a new post (This post).
Till the internet opened a new post page I had a few thoughts about what I should write about. The first thought was, what I am going through right now and I thought the topic name should be Sleepless Night. Then I thought it was too cliche and I decided to name it a Dumb night and by the time new post page opened I decided on Who am I?
Who am I?
That’s exactly I am feeling now. I started the new year with a lot of fake josh and an all right attitude. But 9 days into the year & I already feel I am sulking over my own life. While I was in my bed my thoughts were speeding up about so many things. All indicating at just one single thing. I AM A LOSER.
I started my blogging journey in December 2013 and never really stuck to it. I won’t take names or give reasons or will try to gain sympathy. But the truth at the end of the day is, I didn’t stick around. I didn’t work at all. I was not consistent and that’s all people will ever know or remember.
Flashback to 2013
After a year-long research, I decided to be a fashion blogger. That’s the first choice I made after being an adult. But till date, I feel I am just trying to be a blogger. I started my journey with Chicnomics which was not renewed on time and all my hard work went down the drain.
The twist in 2014
While I was recovering from being separated from an abusive relationship, writing is what gave me my peace. So writing personal stories was something that I felt good about because I had people who not only read but also supported me. In the meanwhile, I found out I was pregnant and people forced me to change my life. Which went on till 2017. My Instagram accounts were deleted, my blogs were deleted, I was not allowed to talk to people who supported me and the list goes on.
Fast forward to 2018
It’s been 4 years of trying to be someone. But now I feel am I that person I am trying to be? Can a person really be what they want to be?
I always wanted to be an entrepreneur, but I am doing a job. If this was not enough, I had 200+ blog posts and more than 300 photos from my previous blogs but now the old computer broke down and there is no way out to fix the motherboard and recover the word files and images.
So here I am, sitting at my table, trying to be a blogger. Starting out again as a fresher and feeling like a piece of shit.
I have my yearly plan right beside my laptop and I am trying to hide from it. Maybe because self-doubt has kicked in.
What have you done in the past 5 years to make your dreams a reality?
More than fear of facing the world (Yes the Log kya kahenge syndrome) I am scared to face my self. I have to start over and it’s a harrowing experience to face your own self. Its a feeling that leaves you feeling weak, that even after over a month has passed and I still couldn’t decide a theme for the blog or social media graphics.
So here am I, a 23-year-old Indian girl who is also an average single mother trying to juggle between a marketing job which she enjoys doing, a kids lifestyle blog which is her outlet for her journey with her daughter, this blog (I don’t know what kind of blogger I am. I used to write about Fashion, Personal Style, Beauty, Stationery, Food, Jewellery, Self-help, Books, Blogging tips, Films & Shows, and Lifestyle.) and a new website for women ( apparently my dream project for women especially in India).
Today I doubt if I can get over with whatever is going around. I doubt that it’s due to the hormonal changes that PCOS brings along when I am about to get my periods or maybe it’s all in my mind.
The good side
Even after being inconsistent and giving so much space for self-doubt, I have a little tribe over the internet who like what I do. One such person has given me one reason to believe in myself. Every person who has been on my journey and stuck around me gives me a reason why I should continue. I have a few brands who still want to work with me and one such brand is NETFLIX. When I look back and see a few of the photos that I shot for my previous blogs, I feel worthy enough to give myself another chance.
Plan of action
A vision board and lots of love from people who care. And of course, some good quotes to go by.
This made me feel a bit okayish tonight. Until next day (hoping it’s a day and not night) Take care!